- Be strong…. Some of these phrases are used in: – Be strong for your family, be strong for your children, do not cry, men don’t cry etc.. Why is it wrong to tell someone to be strong? In this particular instance, someone is going through grief. He’s very weak ,he requires your support. What can you do? Support the person. Do not tell them to be strong, help them out if they need someone to hold them, do not tell someone to be strong.
- At-least….!!!! Some of you have used this phrase wrongly e.g. at least you have another child left, at least you have another job, at least he lived long, at least he was sick now he has gone to rest, at least he was old, at least you’re still young you can still get another child…Hey what do you mean? It is so painful when you tell someone at least. What does it mean? It makes them feel that you do not value the person they have lost. Despite them having two children, they’ve lost one. Despite them being young, they’ve lost a pregnancy, so please do not comfort people by telling them ‘at least’.
- I know how you feel…. My friend, you have no idea what they’re feeling. You do not even understand what they are going through. You may have lost someone that you’re close to. It may be a colleague, a friend or an aunt but in this particular situation, those cases are not the same. Do not compare everyone. Everybody goes through grieving differently, so when you say, ‘I understand, I know how it feels, I feel what you’re going through’, you have no idea the impact it has on the other person. You just make me feel very bad because those two instances are not the same.
- He was a good person. God took him away. So God takes away those good people? You know what runs through my mind, I am left feeling that God is a robber who takes only the good people away from us. That is not a comforting word, so please do not use it .
- He brought this to himself. Have you heard instances where people have committed suicide or they were racing and they were involved in an accident? Someone says if there was no racing,then they would not have died or if they didn’t commit suicide then there would not be death. So one concludes by saying that they brought these misfortunes upon themselves. It is such an insult, please do not use that.
- God knows there is a reason for everything. I do not understand that reason. So why tell me God has everything. It’s not comforting in any case and is very disheartening because this makes me hate the God you’re talking about.
- You need to move on. Move on where? Do you know the pain I am feeling? Do you know what I have encountered? Do you know what that person who’s died meant to me and you tell me to move on? How long does a person have to go through grief? There is no defined period where one should go through loss. So please, do not tell me you should move on and get over it! Life has to go on….. it is true life has to go on, but allow me to go through my emotions and let go and agree and relieve the anger, so that I can be able to finally accept the fact. Actually, I’ve lost my loved one, very precious but what can I do about my life. Some of you have also been absent and we had to go through the loss of our loved one without your support. Do not suddenly appear, and start telling us to move on. That is insensitive and it’ll only make us angry at you because we’ll feel like you don’t understand our emotions and the hurt in us.
- Missing In Action (M.I.A). You were not there during the mourning session, were not there during the burial, you did not call, you do not support and you’re here telling me to move on. Absence is the greatest hurting experience. Do not tell someone to move on yet you were not there. Try to be there to support them and show them that you care and value their emotions. That you’ll show up for them when they need you. You know presence and silence is a greater support.
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